tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC February 17, 2016 11:34pm-12:37am PST
to the lawyer, and we reviewed our will. that ain't a happy moment. you know. >> no. >> you're sitting there and the lawyer said there are new laws we ought to discuss. well i'm thinking i'm going to be dead what do i care? i don't want to discuss it and he is saying would you want to be on life-support system? well, not while we're discussing the will, i don't think -- [ laughter ] >> that's a new thing, if there ever comes a time when you have to be on life support? and i said no, i don't want to be on no life support, if i can't dance to the music, i don't want to know it's playing, right? [ applause ] >> i don't want to be there, you know? >> that's good. >> now sherry is 11 years younger than me, she says she wants to talk about donating her organs. >> that's not a bad idea. >> yeah, well, i would like to get some of them. [ laughter ] >> no, not you.
[ laughter ] >> now she is saying what about -- she don't want to donate them to a -- for -- for them to fool around with them? for research. she wants them -- if -- she'll donate them -- you know jewish law you are not allowed to desecrate the body. you have to return it the way it is, right? >> right. >> but if it could do somebody good. i said sherry, you are 50 years old. you are going to live another 30 years, nobody is going to want 80 year old eyes. [ laughter ] >> like me, suppose i donate my heart. >> would you do that? >> i would, but if i forget to give them that bottle of pills i take every morning, they are dying. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> okay. well. i tell you what -- we have talked long enough, now it's time to play you bet your life. >> wait a minute, i got more. >> i know you do, but i have to stop here.
if i don't get my drops, they would stay locked in like this. my liver could go direct to ed. his body would never know the difference. >> ed's body would not reject your liver. >> he would say hello my friend. >> hello. okay, i have got to do this commercial first -- >> i don't -- >> before we do that, we have mr. kennedy. >> ed -- >> if i can lift it. >> if i can lift it, i can eat it! [ cheers and applause ] >> here we go folks. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ]
that don't have the same organs everybody has. for instance, a guy goes to the doctor -- [ laughter ] >> and he says, hey, i have been talking this way all my life. i want to talk like a regular person. the doctor says i have your file here, and having examined you, the only difference between you and other people is that you have been more sexually endowed than most people in the sense that -- in someplace where you should have two, you have four. [ laughter ] >> in other words you can get a free pass to first base is what the doctor said to him. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> so now the guy says, well, i really want to talk regular. the doctor says we can perform
and reduce you to normality, and perhaps that will affect your voice. so the guy says okay. [ laughter ] >> so after the operation, a few weeks pass, and the patient comes back and says doc, i'm talking normally, but things are not exactly the way they were, and i prefer to have things put back the way they were, and the doctor said, that's impossible, those have been destroyed. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> no, he just can't do that -- >> well that story -- >> i have never heard that story. >> then you didn't know irene dunn. [ laughter ] >> whatever that means. >> she told it to me.
>> you never heard that? >> i hadn't. >> did you ever hear about the musician that woke up with a terrible hangover? >> no, but i think i'm going to. go ahead. >> he had this terrible, terrible hangover. well, before i tell you that, i ought to tell you one i can get away with. [ laughter ] >> okay. >> okay. so this guy is praying in a temple. a nice jewish man, he says god, please, now that the lottery is legal, let me win the lottery, i all my life prayed to you, i never asked for nothing, i don't want it for me, but your boy was born with a club foot, he don't play good, he is now ten years old, and the doctor said he could operate and have a slight limp, please, god for that child i want to win the lottery. could you help us, there are other people down the block in aerospace. i don't know about aerospace, it's not jewish people but that's all right doctor, it's nice christian people, they are going to church, they have nice children, they are losing the house. could i win the lottery,
whatever that's left i'll give to a charity. comes back the next week to the temple, god i don't want to bother you, i was here last week. and a voice says "sir." he goes "what's that?" it is i the lord god. he said did i ask for too much, and he said no, but when you ask to win the lottery, you have to do your share, what? you have to buy a ticket. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> so this guy wakes up with a terrible hangover. [ laughter ] >> this is my crowd, they don't want that what you can get away with -- [ cheers and applause ] >> but first -- >> but first what? >> i got to do this. >> every time i get hot, you have to sell something. [ laughter ] >> john, i need this to make a living,
[ music ] [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> okay. we are back. [ cheers and applause ] >> what? the i'm bringing ally out. >> now i want to say something. okay. i really can't tell you anymore stories because there is a beautiful girl waiting to come out -- i don't -- no, it's not fair. she is young. she has a whole establishment to make, and it's her time, and it's my time to move over and come back
the next time. >> is that not sweet? [ cheers and applause ] >> that's very nice. of course she is -- [ laughter ] >> no. [ laughter ] >> and i know ally will thank you for that when she comes out. she is a lovely young girl. she has a new picture coming out friday, called short-circuit, you probably remember ally, "wargames", "the breakfast club" would you welcome ally sheedy. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> that's better. >> thanks. >> how are you? >> why can't you get your own girl? [ laughter ] >> it's nice to see you. how are you? >> thanks, i'm great. >> you look lovely tonight. >> thank you. >> are you happy with the picture? >> yeah. >> do you go look at your own pictures after you finish them and then pick them apart and say i wish i would have
>> well, i watch and -- only a couple of times usually, and it's hard because i start criticizing myself a little bit, and try to get more objective. >> yeah, it has been quite a while since we saw you. >> i know. i know. >> someone said you're moving around or you got a new place or something? >> yeah, i moved out to malibu. >> malibu, really? the beach! [ laughter ] >> have you ever lived on the beach before? >> no. never. >> i have been out there for a few years. >> yeah, it's so beautiful. >> do you go whale watching -- >> yeah, i've seen whales from my window and saw a whole school of dolphins the other way. i was following them down the beach, it's great. >> nice out there. >> it's a dream come through for me. >> yeah. >> short-circuit, this has something to do with robots? >> yeah. >> am i right? >> it's about a robot that the army made to be a weapon, and he gets struck by lightning and comes to life and starts looking at the sky and the stars, and he wants to live, and he doesn't want to kill anybody anymore. and he runs away from the army.
and i had run this natural foods catering business. >> so far this is perfectly logical. [ laughter ] nothing fantasy about this. >> does this man look like a human being -- >> no, it's a robot. >> it's a robot, robot. >> uh-huh. >> and then he comes to see you and then you sell -- >> i sell natural food and i take care of animals, lost stray animals, and i think he's a martian so i fall in love with him and take him in, and we run away from the army together. [ laughter ] >> a beautiful love story. >> it is. [ laughter ] >> fantasy pictures are in? >> i think so. >> fantasy type things like that. >> fantasies, exactly. adventures. >> you are originally from -- >> new york. >> from new york. >> uh-huh. [ applause ] >> yeah. >> is acting originally what brought you out here? is that what you wanted to do? >> i don't know, as soon as i turned 18, i just wanted to come out here just wanted to get away from home, so i just got on the plane and came out here. >> if some young girl asked you
the entertainment business you just come to hollywood? that's tough. >> yeah, except -- i don't know, i think if you really want to do it, it's a good thing to do. i mean, knew i was going to school too. so i wouldn't just be wandering around the streets. but -- i just wanted to get out. >> you sure did. you've been very successful. >> yes. >> somebody told me you wrote a book, you have a fascination with queen elizabeth. >> yeah, queen elizabeth i. >> and you wrote a book about it? or something? yeah, i wrote a book when i was 12. i wrote a book called she was nice to mice. >> she was nice to mice? >> it's about a mouse that -- you're going to think that this is very strange. >> no, i won't. >> it's about a mouse that lives in the palace of queen elizabeth i, and it writes out her whole history, because it knows her really well. it's like her friend. and so it writes all of the history about her from a mouse's point of view. >> i don't think that's weird, you know why? >> why? >> i narrated once a show called stewart little, which is about a little mouse that people adopted and treated it like a child. >> yeah. >> so i don't find that weird. >> no, steward little is one
>> do you care for rodents? >> i love them. [ laughter ] >> well, a lot of people don't, you say rodents and right away-- >> no, i love them. >> i have had rabbits -- i had a guinea pig in my old apartment, but when i moved to malibu i had to give it up, because they won't let me have a guinea pig in the house. >> some landlords are tough. >> i know. [ laughter ] >> i had -- i don't have time to tell the story but i had guinea pigs when i took my children were very young, back to new york, they were from california and i got them two guinea pigs and one night in december they put them out on the patio outside, and they had a cold snap in new york, and the next morning -- >> oh, no. >> yeah, i came out and these guinea pigs were -- [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> hard as a carp. they were frozen like they were trying to get into the box, just like that. >> you can thaw them out. did you know that? [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> my god. >> and then they start to give off an odor. >> yeah. [ laughter ]
and it was really kind of sad, but at least they went quietly with no pain, but they were just like book ends. do we have to take a break? oh, okay, before we take the break, if i can lift it, i can balance it. you got it. mr. kennedy what do we have now? [ cheers ] >> a big fish. [ drum roll ] [ music ] >> you are talkin'
and we'll be back. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> we are back. >> is she trying to talk you into coming to malibu. >> he lives near me. >> he lives near you too? >> yeah. >> that's nice. >> uh-huh. >> you are not married are you? >> no, i live with my boyfriend, though. >> do you have a nice boyfriend? >> yeah. he's really great. >> it's none of my business, but -- are you planning to get married? >> oh, god, i don't know. >> yeah.
it's-it's so big to think about getting married. >> it's good to spend some time together before you get married. 30 or 40 years would be nice. [ laughter ] >> i just told that to a girl in the hall. >> really? wait a while, right? >> hum. >> what have you got coming up next ally? something else? >> i'm not really sure. i'm working with a theater group right now. >> yeah. well you are a lovely young lady and a good actress too. >> thanks. >> nice to have you here. buddy you are going to las vegas. >> las vegas, and then westbury, everything is all sold out, don't worry about it. but if i can make a plug for the suicide prevention center, i'd like to. >> all right. >> okay. they are having a big thing at the center plaza hotel on the 30th of may and marvin is going to entertain and june allison is going to be the mistress of ceremonies, and in case that don't work, i'll jump up and save it. [ laughter ]
>> i'm humbled by that applause. come and knock on our door come and knock on our door we've been waitin' for you we've been waitin' for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company, too come and dance on our floor come and dance on our floor take a step that is new take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face three's company, too you'll see that life is a ball again laughter is callin' for you down at our rendezvous down at our rendezvous
why are we watching this awful beauty contest? 'cause he's got the remote control. oh. give me that. hey, get out of here. you girls should be interested in this. look on it as a self-improvement course. do you think of women purely as sex objects? of course not. i-i like their intelligence, too. and now, miss soybean. just look at the brains on that one. i don't see where they got a sash big enough to fit her. well, i think it's degrading. chrissy, give me that. no. no. i'd like to see men parading up and down like that. yeah. anything to oblige. ladies and ladies, welcome to the first annual mr. male chauvinist pig contest of 1978. da-da!
mr. pico boulevard. looking absolutely stunning in his pair of filthy jeans. and we'd like to thank filthy jeans for lending them to him. first of all, deportment... he ought to be deported. diddle dee dee. ( doorbell chimes ) i'll get it. no, i'll get it. honey, i'm up. oh, hi, mr. roper. going out on a date? uh... ( clears throat ) mr. roper... uh, what can we do for you? well, it's about the garden. what garden?
you mean that jungle out behind the garages? there's a terrific garden underneath all those weeds. i thought you kids should have use of it. for what, safaris? well, i'll tell you the truth. mrs. roper's been nagging me about it. she's really going nuts since she's taken this flower arranging course. oh, and now she'd like some homegrown flowers to arrange? yeah. also, there could be a terrific lawn out there. once you've cleared it and got rid of the... what do you mean once we've cleared it? oh, i thought you'd volunteer for the job. why would we do that? let me put it this way-- who would get the most pleasure out of the garden? you would. who would enjoy the exercise? not us. who can't afford a raise in the rent? mr. roper, there's a word for the sort of threat you just made. yeah, what's that? effective. good. good.
thank you. yeah. ( sighs ) well, good-bye weekend. that garden is right out of tarzan of the apes. it is a little overgrown. a little? chrissy, there are pockets of japanese in there who don't know the war is over. dear, you ought to be out in the garden helping the kids instead of in here fooling around with that homemade beer. don't scoff-- if this beer turns out all right i'll sell some to the regal beagle. aw, come on, stanley. when are we going to get a chance to sample this marvelous potion of yours anyway? well, the batch i made two weeks ago should be ready just about now. is that why the bottles keep exploding? i don't know why you started this silly nonsense anyway. it's not nonsense. it's my hobby. it's better than that stupid flower arranging course you're going to.
it's artistic. it's effeminate. well, i'm supposed to be effeminate. just like you're emasculate. oh, you know, what this arrangement needs is something... something tall and green and prickly. how about your mother? this is terrible. i'm getting bitten to death by bugs. oh, i know. me, too, chrissy. hey, jack... where'd you put that insect repellent? jack? jack? jack? yo! ( screams ) what were you doing there? i dropped the insect repellent. did you find it? it was under a pile of bugs.
what do you want me to...? what did i say? oh, nothing. it was a mosquito. oh. hey, janet...? look! a caterpillar! ow! jack. here. oh, thank you. no, thank you very much. okay, what do you want? oh, i just thought of something. huh? maybe there's rats in here? chrissy, there are no rats in here. oh, good. they all got eaten by the snakes. what?! ( screaming ) oh, there's one right there! where?! chrissy... chrissy, stop that, honey. i think you killed it. yes. yes, you have. you've killed roper's garden hose. let me see. ( imitating rattlesnake ) jack. chrissy, honey, where'd you put the rake? it's over there somewhere.
oh, good, you found it. listen, while you're down there, jack would you get me the rake? here you go. thank you. you okay? peachy. great. here, take this. sure. come over here by chrissy. see those big weeds down there? i want you to dig all those up and make sure you get right down to the roots. all right. okay. chrissy? hmm? did i just stick this fork through your foot? no. oh. ( screaming ) here's the first batch. did you remember to put in the eye of newt and tongue of bat? can you spare them? boy, this is going to be great.
like when you painted the bathtub last month? can't you forget about that? well, you could have told me before i got in it. you should have seen your face when you stuck to the bottom. it wasn't my face i was worried about. do you know it took me a whole week to get all of that paint off? i told you. i told you to use a brillo pad. come on, stanley, pour the beer. let's have a look at what's going to put budweiser out of business. smells all right, i think. here, taste it. no way. it's got little things swimming around in it. those are hops. okay. so it has little things hopping around in it.
where do you keep your insurance policy, stanley? this is good. it's got kind of a nutty flavor. it should have; look who made it. hi, hi, hi. oh, hi kids. listen, we have done all we can for today. we'll finish up tomorrow. oh, good. good. aren't you going to give them something for all the work they did? huh? oh, yeah. yeah. here. have some beer. no, thank you. me neither. i like beer i can see through. well, it hasn't quite settled yet. how about you, jack? you look like you could use a nice cold beer. you're so right. stanley made it himself. i strained it through a pair
my best pair. how do you like it? well, i'll tell you, it's... excuse me. seeds. uh... it's a little strong. but, you know, it's not bad. well, here, take two bottles up with you. chrissy, those are really pretty. did you find them in the garden? oh, yeah. they were growing wild. you know, these are exactly what i need for my flower arrangement. would it be okay if i take a couple of 'em? oh, sure. here. take these. oh, thanks. you know, we're having an arts and crafts exhibition at school, and, who knows? maybe i'll win a prize. aah! aw, gee. we better go wash up. uh, mrs. roper, honey, good luck at your flower exhibition. let me know if i could help you. oh, thanks, janet. i hope you win. yeah, me, too. hey, thanks for the suds. ( belches )
it's only bruised. well, i got to go over marilyn's. i promised her i'd help her move this afternoon. oh, okay. bye-bye. bye, babe. hey, janet... hmm? on your way back see if you can pick me up a packet of assorted toes. boy, anyone would think you were mortally wounded. chrissy, this happens to be my favorite toe. this is the little piggy that went to market. hi. hi, larry. you're up early; it's only noon. i was worrying about that five bucks i owe you. you don't owe me five bucks. i will when you lend it to me. no way. come on, jack, you wouldn't want me worrying myself sick over nothing, would you? just take it. jack... i have no resistance left, chrissy. my toe is dying. make it ten bucks; i'll send a wreath. look out. where did you get that?
you'll get a year in jail for those. what should we do? what you mean, "we"? officer, i never saw these people before in my life. thank you and good night. well, we'll burn them. and then the smoke drifts everywhere and half the neighborhood gets stoned. well, we can dig a big hole and bury them. yeah, and next year, a whole new crop comes up. call me. thanks for your help, larry.
what? we'll put this out on the balcony and get the cat next door to come visit it. no. well, that's how you lost your fern. i think we should go to the police and ask their advice. no way. no police. chrissy, i feel funny. that's 'cause you've been drinking all that beer. no, i mean, coming here is a big mistake. we have nothing to fear but fear itself. i was afraid of that. you shouldn't bring those bikes in here. well, we can't leave them in front of the police station. they'll get stolen. what do you want? what do we want? uh... okay, my name i-is, is... you don't have to tell him your name.
not yet anyway. not yet anyway. o-officer? ohh! sorry. nail these things down. uh, officer, uh, i-if i may we just dropped in to ask a few questions on, on behalf of a friend. you don't know him. i don't know you either. well, you'd like him if you did. he's very honest and loyal, sin... no more. ...cere. o-o-officer, w-what i meant is... i-if my friend, you know, committed some kind of a... uh, offense, uh, without meaning to commit that offense... what he means is if his friend was innocent would he still be guilty? of what? of what he didn't do. huh? uh, chrissy, you know, i think we shouldn't bother the sergeant with this unimportant thing. so why don't we just mosey...? wait a minute. now, you said "offense."
you tell. oh, well, it's, it's, uh... a-a-anything-- it could be anything. you know, uh, oh, what? uh, parking, uh, income tax uh, possession of drugs, uh... no driving license... drugs? he didn't say drugs. what kind of drugs? and what did you mean by "possession"? uh, uh... it, it's a plant. someone's planted drugs on you? ye... no! no. no. possession of drugs is a very serious crime. well, uh, o-off... now, suppose you tell me what it's all about? oh... oh, uh... well... o-officer, i didn't want to bother you, you know. it's, i'm jus... it's just a hypo, hypo... hypodermic! ...thetical-- hypothetical. oh, look, let's gust forjet it. let's just forget it, i mean.
for this wook i'm biting. so let's get out of here, chrissy! just a minute. hmm? are you riding those bicycles to your home? just the one. ( nervous laughter ) it's a little joke. i'm such a zany, madcap kind... no, i can't ride both of them home so, i'm just going to take... she has to get home somehow. so she's going to take the girls' bike. i'll take the one with the bar which is... the boys', uh, bike. have you been drinking? who, me? ( laughing ) no! well, just some homemade beer. no! did you know it's against the law to ride a bicycle while under the influence? you're kidding. i think i'd like you to take a breath test. uh, no, officer, i can breathe just fine. see? ( panting ) don't want to take a breath test, eh?
can you fill this? not from here. in there! see you. i told you you shouldn't be drinking that dumb beer. ohh! you didn't have to tell the cop that i'd been drinking it. he could smell your breath before you opened your mouth. oh, chrissy, i'm going to have to go to court i'll be fined, it'll be weeks before i see my bike again. i love that bike. the cops'll probably be riding it all around l.a. oh, it's going to need new tires and a new horn. jack, we still haven't decided what we're going to do about those plants. chop them up and put them down the garbage disposal. it doesn't work.
roper?! oh, i forgot all about roper! oh, well, he is forgettable. no! i just remembered. mrs. roper is using one of the marijuana plants in her flower arrangement. oh, boy, we better go warn her. it's too late. they're at the exhibition already. that's my teacher, stanley. she's one of the judges. straighten up. try to look interested. but i'm not interested. then try to look alive. ohh! give me those! look at the way you're dressed. did you remember to wear clean shorts? why? are they judging them, too? ah, that's a beautiful effort, miss reilly. quite poetic.
the local press is here. oh, yeah? ( phone ringing ) don't smile! it makes you look simpleminded. the telephone for me? oh, no... stanley, what am i going to do? i'm wanted on the phone, and my exhi... here, you take it. what if they take a picture while i'm gone? so, don't hurry back. hello? who? oh, hello, chrissy. mrs. roper has a what in her arrangement? a can of what? can of "bis"? what's that? oh, cannabis. so? what? what?!
i know it's illegal. oh, my god! helen, helen... no, not now, stanley! i'm next! but what if they find that stuff in there? be quiet! helen, you don't... teacher's coming! helen...! shh! oh! ah, yes, uh... "symphony of the wild flowers." oh... well, it's, uh, it's very... unusual, mrs. roper. uh, perhaps a little ragged. not your best work but you'll improve. you'll improve. keep at it. you know what they say: "practice makes perfect." why, stanley? why?! i didn't want them to see that plant. really? why?
but i don't understand where you guys got the idea that this was cannabis. well, larry said it was. you believed larry? this is obviously not cannabis. it's false aralia. you work in a flower shop but we don't know anything. well, all you have to do is compare it. with what? with this. this is cannabis. get it away from me. well, i don't want it. i'm throwing this out the door off the balcony. i don't want this in our house anymore. happy birthday!
three's company was videotaped in front of a studio audience. come and knock on our door come and knock on our door we've been waitin' for you we've been waitin' for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company, too come and dance on our floor come and dance on our floor take a step that is new take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face three's company, too you'll see that life is a ball again laughter is callin' for you down at our rendezvous down at our rendezvous
( humming ) hi. what are you doing? i'm trying to make myself a sandwich. oh, well, that's simple. see, the bread goes on the outside. thank you, jack. don't mention it. i'm full of valuable information. yeah, you're full of other things, too. oh, this is terrible! my father's coming to preach a sermon! here? no. in a church. chrissy, when's your father coming? today. his plane arrives at 2:30. oh, no, look! he should have brought that with him
it took over a week to get here. from fresno? and what else did our efficient postal service bring us? any christmas cards or life magazines? nope. just bills. they always get here right on time. this is terrible! he can't see us like this. oh, you're right. this apartment is a wreck. it's worse than that. that's an exaggeration. your dad's been here before. he knows how we live. things have changed since then. what things? you used to be eleanor. ( sighs ) hey, level with me-- was my operation a success? jack, last time chrissy's father came down eleanor was still our roommate. don't worry about it. i'm sure your father's going to like me. oh! i'll be on my best behavior. oh...! thank you for that vote of confidence. chrissy... christmas... your mother did tell your father
didn't she? mm... oh...! chrissy, she did not tell him-- is that what you're trying to tell us? what was that? could you nod a little louder? mm... ( whining ) oh, boy. what are we going to do? what are we going to do?! chrissy, relax. don't panic. just sit down. don't panic. there's no problem. your dad doesn't come here for another four hours, right? i'll tell you what i'll do. i'll just get some stuff and move up with larry and stay there until he leaves, okay? oh, jack, oh, that's terrific! oh, thank you. mm, thank you. hey, any time. you're welcome. how about you, janet? would you like to thank me, too? hmm? never mind. oh, come on, janet. we got to get this place cleaned up right away. you don't know my father. his favorite sermon is "cleanness is next to godliness."
i'll do something about my bedroom. oh, what are you going to do, clean it? no. i'm going to lock it. ooh, jack i want you to do something in my bedroom, too. that's an even better idea. whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. and just what did you have in mind? i've got lots of things running through my mind. i want him to hang this picture for me. and hanging pictures wasn't one of them. yeah, i'll bet. dad gave me this to me so i wouldn't forget all the friends i left behind. how come you never hung it before? i forgot i had it. i'll go borrow a hammer from the ropers. ( waltz playing ) helen, i found out what was wrong with the... helen? helen!
i got good news. i fixed the garbage disposal in 207. you want to call the l.a. times or shall i? you know what was wrong with the garbage disposal? they never use it. they eat out all the time. so, some people like to enjoy themselves. it's not against the rules-- except around this apartment. nothing works well if you don't use it enough. that's so true. of course, it would take a miracle to get some things to work right around here. a miracle! what are you doing? i'm praying. another one of your little digs, huh, helen? ( chuckles ) oh, stanley remember when we used to go dancing? come on. come on. not now, helen.